Airline travel doesn't have to suck so much

Used to be that airline travel was a big deal. People got dressed up. They behaved as if they were in any other public space where manners mattered a bit more than at home or at the local bar. Today, flying is nothing more than a bus trip with a higher penalty for error. As the airlines squeeze more people onto planes in ways that bear close resemblance to a cattle drive, it seems the passengers have reacted like, well, cattle.

But that seems to excuse people's behavior and that is not my intent. I am appalled at the erosion of basic courtesy throughout the land and plane travel seems to concentrate the problem.

If I Were King, I would require all first-time flyers to take a one-hour online course in basic flight etiquette. It would include this top ten list:

1. You are not the only person on the plane. Those other blobs of protoplasm in the other seats? They are real people. With ears, eyes, noses and a seat they bought with real money (or miles, which equates to many, many hours sitting near people like you).
   
2. Shower before you fly.
3. If you are carrying a shoulder bag when you walk down the aisle, pay attention to the space it consumes. Don't swing wildly around. You may be too self-absorbed to notice, but that head your bag is bashing is mine.
4. When you get to your seat, try to get out of the aisle as soon as humanly possible. There are 187 other people waiting for you. Plan ahead -- scope the spot to put your bag overhead ahead of time, get it up there and step into to the space between seats, even if you've got some clothing adjustments, equipment adjustments or spousal adjustments to make.
   
5. Converse with your neighbor as you would in a theater before a performance. Use low tones that don't carry much beyond your neighbor's nearest ear. This goes double if you're talking on your cell phone.
   
6. When the doors close and the flight attendant tells you to turn off your cell phone, turn off your fucking cell phone. Not in a minute; not when you finish your thought; not when it's convenient for you -- now. Better yet, prepare for the closing of the door and wrap up your conversation beforehand. You're really not that important and neither is that call.
7. The seat in front of you is not your seat. The only part of that seat that belongs to you is the tray table and the seat pocket. Use each as you would a borrowed crystal wine glass: gently and with the knowledge that sharp shocks will yield unfortunate results. Do not grab onto the top of the seat in front of you to use as a lever when standing up or sitting down. I was sleeping and now have been jerked completely awake by a jerk.
   
8. If you are too fat to fit COMPLETELY within the arms of the seat you have purchased, either: 1) purchase a bigger seat (Biz class, first class); 2) purchase two seats; 3) lose some weight; 4) don't fly. I'm not a "fatist;" I paid for my seat and have a right to all of it and to not have to share some percentage with your rolls of flab.
9. If you must impress us all by doing your email on your laptop, do not bang on the keys with such anger that I wonder if you'll be the focus of the next news bulletin flashing "disgruntled employee kills 8, then self."
10. The space under your seat is for the person behind you to put their stuff or their feet -- it's their choice. If they don't have stuff, that doesn't mean you can put your stuff there. Yours goes in front of you. If you're in the bulkhead row (no seats in front of you to put your stuff), then put your stuff overhead and not on top of my feet.